Thinking 101

Trip.. Never have I ever felt I had such an understanding on my life and actions. And never have I ever felt more helpless to change when I acknowledged my understanding ” I do what I don’t want to do, and I don’t do what I want to do” couldn’t have been put any better. Now aware of the situation where do I go from here? Every long journey begins with one small step, but will the first step lead to a long and painful path of disappointment; where I’d reach the end in vain only to realize that I am not on the right path? What am I to do then? Walk blindly into a hopeless peril or stay trapped inside a never-changing story? Either way, I have no peace. Now where I think my turmoil lied is in an uncanny ability to imitate emotions to a point of sincerity and be otherwise fake when in all actuality; I’m searching high and low to naturally make good of these emotions. That I find what I’m seeking for, someone to love and someone to love me. But then I come back to the I do what I don’t want to do which is hurt people’s feelings and showing no respect for others caring abilities. And I don’t do what I want to do which is to genuinely, love someone with all my heart and soul. I say I try, but try really does not exist as I’ve once been told. Trying sitting down. Dont sit down, try to sit down. It is impossible, therefore you should only do , but I can not do what I want , I do what I don’t want. knowing these things make me feel worse because when not knowing, there is an excuse knowing means you just don’t care enough to change. Change is my savior, where I find comfort. Character builds over time through experiences, but change is not impossible. It is like the light at the end of a tunnel, but that light could be a light to a train coming in your direction. Now I do not say these things to tell you everything I say is make-believe because it is not. I actually believe at some point what I say is how I really feel. It just fades sometimes, So please do not categorize me as a bad man for I am not. Nor am I close to being a good man. but am a man intelligent enough to know the difference and where I WANT to be. But as I said earlier, I do not do what I want to do, I do what I don’t want to do! It drives me insane! What am I to do? I’m a desperate man on a quest to feel what I have been longing for, which is love. Being in the situation I’m in and under certain circumstances, it is hard to reach that goal. Is it even reachable? Too many questions. Someone told me “Let love live long” I agree, but where is the love? I wish that someone could make me fall head over heels in love and not break my heart in the process like it has been done before. So what I say is how I WANT to be, But sometimes it is not how I feel or who I really am. Does that make me a bad man? Envisioning a dream and doing what I can to turn that dream into reality and in the process I may hurt people’s feelings and also may hurt my own. Surely it wouldn’t be right to disassociate myself with those in my life for their sake, What if they want to show support? Oh, how my mind constantly battles between good and evil. My conscience puts in far too many hours. Like now, it is 3:30 am. Why am I not asleep? For all those who’ve invested time in reading this, pray for me please. If you’re not religious, then wish me the best. As I continuously strive for a better life and thrive when I must. I will always survive the struggle, I strive, thrive, and survive. Still I search for the answers to questions I do not know yet. I am now one step closer to a better life since realizing this one problem. And hope is in the air! For problems are meant to be solved. I am not a bad man, just a desperate man whose intentions are good, oh lord please don’t let me be misunderstood….

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One comment

  1. When I herd what happened to you I didn’t believe it sometimes things can unravel pretty quickly with a blink of an eye. I’m sorry that u slipped far away into a dark place. I only wish that you could get away from that place and be in peace. I may have not been the greatest person to you in your life but I’d like to say that I knew you at a good time when we were young and wild and lived for the day doing nothing but laughing and having fun listening to good music with no worries making good memories and having the world in our hands only having good hopes for the future.I’ll Always remember you as Anjew…. Bean…jew with your hacky sac and your laughs and our adventures as the 3:30 Stoners going on the roof top of the celery school looking at the stars those were the days one the best times of my life. I’ll pray for you and I only wish that you’ll find happiness and love someday soon. Take care….

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